With the run up to the election, the news is obviously filled with incoherent ramblings about how G.B. has upset his wife after being caught on air talking about another ladies big tits. Another source has actually claimed that our illustrious leader actually said she was bigoted but I doubt that's true. His initials are GB after all. David Cameron also got a bit viral with his video showing his bumbling attempts to explain the Tory parties stance on gay rights. Bit of a fuck up David. However I've heard on the grapevine that he's considering a series of free reach arounds to make up for it. As for Nick Clegg ... what can we say? The man has had a bit of a jump in the ratings and has probably had a stiffy for 2 weeks, so we expect inane ramblings shortly due to lack of blood going to his thinking brain.

Moving on, but staying just ever so slightly on topic with the election. A whale beached itself in Grangemouth earlier this week but then suddenly did a U-turn and swam back out to deeper waters. This is an unusual occurrence as whales once beached typically don't survive; have you ever tried to move one of them? It would be like bumping uglies with Fat Bastard from Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me. Anyway, after a bit of investigative work, I managed to track down Dr Doolittle and subsequently sent him on his way to find, and speak to the whale. Turns out the whale was planning to end it's life on the beach, but with the political parties in full "Love me Love me" campaign mode, it was worried that it would be constantly hounded by the the election candidates on whom it was going to vote for.

I see that the Boston Globe has managed to outrage Rangers fan world wide (4). To paraphrase, "The 1971 Ibrox disaster which killed 66 people was caused by Rangers fans because they are nothing but a bunch of thugs. On the other hand, Celtic fans are just swell." I guess we could accuse the Globe of playing a religious card here but it's more likely that the article was written by a complete fucking moron.

And finally. The Royal Bank of Scotland chairman, Sir Philip Hampton has conceded that bank employees earn too much. No shit Sherlock. For those not in the know, the Royal Bank of Scotland is now 83% owned by the tax payer after it had to be bailed out due to being run by a bunch of incompetent dickwads, and in particular Sir Fred Goodwin. Quoting Sir Philip, "If we don't pay our top people [appropriately], they leave very quickly." And that's why the banking industry royal fucked the world. Cause all these top people are a bunch of parasitic bastards who deserve nothing but a good dose of herpes and to be strapped to Kevin Costner for all eternity.

And that's it for this week. Thanks for reading, and I'll be back next week with more Ramblings of a Scottish Madman